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Sun - November 20, 2005Plugs & Product endorsements you can useMy friend
Alex
Bunardzic (pictured here on the right) is a
professional guitarist and an amateur software developer. Or is it
the other way around? ...has
started his own
blog. I discovered this indirectly
when he sent me this article and engaged me in a discussion
about it. In the midst of this discussion, his secret was revealed. He started
blogging
this year. Welcome Alex!
 Besides being a musician, developer, philosopher, humorist, and all-around-Renaissance man, he's also reported to be a damn fine baker.  I've enlisted him to teach me how to bake bread this winter. My wife Chizuko is on the left, in this photo, taken in the back yard of Alex's house in Vancouver in the summer of '04. Another blog I've added to my blogroll this season is FLOG, the Fantagraphics blog. Some of you may have noticed I've had mail problems. Hopefully I corrected it over the weekend, if you tried to send me a message last week and didn't get a reply, that's why. I set up a .mac account, lemonslice@mac.com but my normal mailbox michael@michaeldougan.com should be working now, too. Below is a hand lotion we have in our home. I've been looking for an excuse to post this image for months, but I never did find one. The name is so appealing. I have no excuse. I just wanted to include it.  I've saved the best for last. The publisher of Robert Ferrigno's new book "Prayers for the Assassin" has a unique website in development, 
Bookmark it now. Stay tuned for more. Posted at 10:14 PM Thu - September 1, 2005More good ink to look forward to"Eric Scigliano's book on Michelangelo is vivid,
erudite, and highly readable--a fresh take brilliantly executed."
—Robin Brooks, author of The
Portland Vase
"Just as Michelangelo wrested works of genius from
the grip of the stone that possessed him, Eric Scigliano, with a Cararrese
quarryman's blood running through his veins, has chipped away at the remarkable
history of man's two thousand year obsession with the white mountain. His
easy, almost conversational tone belies the comprehensively researched chronicle
he narrates with erudition and wit."
—David Tripp, author of Illegal
Tender
"From the Medici to Henry Moore, from Rome to the
Renaissance, to the modern quarry workers of Carrara, Eric Scigliano weaves a
compelling narrative of marble, its mountains, and its greatest master and
apprentice, Michelangelo Buonarroti." —William E. Wallace,
Professor of Art History at Washington University and author of
Michelangelo: The Complete Sculpture,
Painting, and Architecture
“Eric Scigliano works
magic—in Michelangelo's
Mountain he brings cold stone to brilliant,
captivating life. With the tenacity of an investigative reporter, the deep
knowledge of a cultural historian, and the infectious attitude of
a bon
vivant traveler, Scigliano prowls the Italian
countryside uncovering the mystery of the marble that inspired Michelangelo's
greatest masterpieces. You must listen
to the stone, the master marble cutters of
Carrara say, and in Scigliano's hands the stone yields an enchanting tale.
Bravo!"
—Bruce Barcott, author of The
Measure of a Mountain
An advance peek at Eric
Scigliano's next
book
After entertaining foreign visitors throughout August (my wife's family from Japan) and enjoying the spectacular cold bug they brought with them (horizontal on couch for four days) I'm back at my desk and there's lots to catch up on. This season I've had the good fortune to get notice of two books in advance of publication, this one by Eric Scigliano, who spent some time in Italy exploring and researching what looks to be an engaging book about his ancestral homeland, Carrara. Stay tuned for more, Eric's book release party is coming up in a few days, I hope to attend.  Early praise
for
Michelangelo’s
Mountain
"This is a terrific book, original
in conception and exhilarating in its range and sweep. Eric Scigliano
effortlessly marries the vibrant and tumultuous world
of
quattrocento
and
cinquecento Tuscan politics,
philosophy, and art to his own 21st century travels in the region. Whether
sketching a landscape, exploring the geology of marble, following Michelangelo
from commission to commission, waxing lyrical on the curing of pork fat, or
talking stonemasonry to elderly quarrymen in a Carrara bar, Scigliano is a deft,
eloquent writer; the connections he makes are always surprising and often
revelatory. His Michelangelo emerges as a man as much of our time and place as
of his own."
—Jonathan Raban, author
of Bad
Land
and Passage to
Juneau
"This is a masterful work, in many
respects a new kind of narrative nonfiction. Dancing seamlessly between past and
present, Eric Scigliano illuminates Michelangelo through the sculptor's passion
for special stone, set against the story of the stone itself and the people who
still share that passion today. His strong, polished, yet informal
prose—reminiscent at times of the marble he describes—is the perfect
vehicle for this remarkable balancing act, while his personal connection with
Cararra and easy familiarity with Italian documents bring a more palpable focus
to the towering genius of the High Renaissance." —Paul Robert
Walker, author of The
Feud That Sparked the Renaissance
Posted at 02:21 PM Tue - July 5, 2005Top leaders of monorail step downBy Mike
Lindblom
Seattle
Times staff
reporter
space Seattle Monorail
Project board Chairman Tom Weeks and Executive Director Joel Horn resigned
yesterday after a public uproar over the 50-year finance plan they had
championed.
space The plan was
scrapped last week after even longtime supporters expressed
doubts.
space For three years,
Weeks and Horn have been the dominant personalities in the monorail agency,
determined to turn the city's wishes for elevated transit into reality. Their
resignations come two weeks after SMP issued documents showing that the project
cost of more than $2.1 billion would require total debt payments of $11.4
billion, including
interest.
space The SMP board
rejected the financing plan Thursday night, putting the project in
limbo.
space "We take full
responsibility for the current situation and feel that it is in the best
interest of the Project to step down," the two wrote in a letter sent to the
monorail board yesterday. They added that controversy about the interest costs
had "overshadowed" the tentative deal with Cascadia Monorail — a deal they
said was a "good value for the
city."
space Neither Weeks
nor Horn, whose resignations are effective immediately, could be reached for
comment.
Posted at 08:28 AM Fri - July 1, 2005Wake up and smell the failure: Seattle Monorail project derailed It gets more surreal every day.
space
From this morning's Post Intelligencer:
space
...The monorail project,
strapped for cash, resorted to unconventional financing arrangements. It faced
several problems. The agency had a voter-mandated borrowing cap of $1.5 billion
in 2002 dollars. Also, the 14-mile line from West Seattle to Crown Hill is
costing 20 percent more than projected while tax revenues are about 30 percent
less than expected.
space
Staff had proposed to deal
with the money crunch by stretching out the debt repayment over many
decades.
space
Monorail project documents
released last week showed that
the monorail
would be spending $11 billion over more than four decades
-- $2 billion in
principal and $9 billion in
interest. Much of
the interest is deferred, which raises costs. About 20 percent of the bonds are
unrated -- sometimes called "junk bonds" -- and carry high interest rates of 7
to 8 percent.
space
Under the plan, Seattle
residents would be paying a tax of 1.4 percent of the value of their vehicles
each year until 2050 -- and very possibly until 2078 if the monorail's financial
assumptions don't bear out....
space
Sound
Politics
(a local conservative blog)
has announced a contest:
space
CONTEST: "WHO LOSES HIS JOB FIRST?" ... Joel Horn or Dean Logan? Post your best guesses as to the date when each of these guys is fired. The person who comes closest (first entry in case of tie) will win some sort of suitable prize. Posted at 08:18 AM Thu - June 9, 2005Media Dystopia: The Sky is Falling! Chicken Little futurism Now that I've had a second opportunity to view this inventive, thoughtful, spooky exploration of where media is headed in the 21st Century, I realized something obvious that I hadn't seen last time. It only has one idea. Everything in this Flash demonstration is aimed at selling a singular point: anxiety about the trend of narrowcasting, and imagining where it might go. Theirs is a dystopian vision. It's an expression of their fears about the Decline of Big Media, and the rise of trivial, individual mediums. It's been said that futuristic writing, books, movies, etc., tell us a lot more about the present than they do the future. When we see Science Fiction movies made in the 1950s, they tell us a lot about the 1950s, not much about the actual future. They become quaint time capsules that reflect the fantasies and anxieties of the time they were made. I believe this one is like that. In fact, here's how I think it was conceived: A couple of journalists, or traditional media professionals, were having a conversation about the rise of blogs, Podcasts, Google News, and the decline of once-Great institutions like the New York Times and the Washington Post. They talked about the increasing tension between New media and Old media. Then, they decided to take their fears and anxieties, and explore them, in a fictional scenario, imagining what would happen if this one particular media trend were to continue, uninterrupted, for the next 20 years. How creative is that? It tells us more about the (most likely, career-related) fears of its creators, at this one moment in time, than it does about the future of media. Not that its without merit. It just has only one message to sell. It would be more interesting it if had a wider point of view, and less of a specific agenda. Still, it's admirable work, I recommend it to anyone in the media, New or Old. Posted at 11:51 PM Mon - February 14, 2005Ferrigno across the pondFriends, colleages,
associates...there's .nothing better than plugging the ones we know and love.
Besides being a fine, twisted novelist,
Ferrigno
gives good interview. Maybe because he's been on both sides of the
profile-writing business. One of the reasons I like going to Ferrigno book
readings is that he's such a mysterious guy, he reveals insightful, sometimes
surprising, always entertaining personal details when he talks about his work.
And what better way to interview a writer than via keyboard?
twbooks/uk Crime Fiction and Mystery Journal interviews Ferrigno Elegant, electric and TRUE A Cyber-Conversation with Robert Ferrigno  "It is not often that my Routledge Encyclopedia of Western Philosophy finds itself on the desktop alongside the yellowing copy of Joe Bob Briggs's collected drive-in movie columns from the Dallas Times-Herald. But then, Robert Ferrigno is that kind of writer..."  Read the whole thing. And buy the book . Posted at 10:41 AM Mon - January 31, 2005Apple's Halo effectSalon takes on the Apple
revival
Weary of spyware, tired of virus attacks, a nation turns its lonely eyes to ... Apple? Forget the iPod. What if the iPod's just a gateway drug? What if Apple's future is much grander: What if Apple could become the Toyota of the computer business? Read the whole thing if you don't mind clicking through Salon's advertising scheme.... Posted at 01:42 AM Tue - January 18, 2005Tsunameter update : word originsNew ways of tracking these killer waves may help save lives FOR many inhabitants of the Pacific coast, powerful waves caused by earthquakes or underwater landslides—generally known by their Japanese name, tsunamis—are an ominous threat. When a wave 15 metres (50 feet) high pounded the northern shores of Papua New Guinea in July 1998, the inhabitants were taken by surprise. This tsunami killed more than 2,200 villagers, making it one of the most destructive in recent years. But it was just one of a string of killer waves that have struck the western Pacific over the past few years. Since 1990, ten big tsunamis have claimed more than 4,000 lives. So it would be nice to be able to detect such tsunamis far enough in advance for people to be evacuated. But that is not easy. Seismometers and coastal tidal gauges—instruments already deployed for other purposes—can provide some warning. Seismometers measure earthquakes that might cause tsunamis, but they cannot detect the waves themselves. Nor can they normally detect landslides triggered by earthquakes, since the energy released in a landslide is small compared with that released by an earthquake. Yet landslides are often the cause of the most destructive tsunamis. (The New Guinea tsunami mentioned above is believed to have been amplified in this way.) The result is error on the side of caution: since the 1950s, 75% of tsunami warnings that led to evacuations have turned out to be false alarms. Such evacuations are not cost-free. A false alarm that triggered the evacuation of Honolulu, in May 1986, resulted in losses of more than $30m. Tidal gauges, by contrast, can spot tsunamis reliably from their effect on the sea level, at least when they are close to shore. But since a tsunami may travel at more than 700kph (450mph), that does not give much warning. Tidal gauges cannot measure tsunamis in the deep ocean. Waving, not drowning What is needed are specific detectors that take advantage of the fact that tsunamis are felt throughout the ocean's depths, unlike wind-generated waves, which affect only its surface. One approach is to put pressure detectors on the seabed. When a tsunami passes by, the detector records the increased pressure caused by its passage. Japan was the first country to deploy such detectors. It now has 14 of them. But they are connected to the mainland by submarine cables. That means, in practice, that they can be deployed only some 50km from land, which is better than tidal gauges, but not ideal. The network can give local warnings. But the only way to be sure whether a dangerous wave is headed towards a distant coastline is to track it across the open ocean. America's National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) hopes to do just that. Its “tsunameters”, as they are dubbed by Eddie Bernard, the director of the agency's Pacific Marine Environmental Laboratory, have cut the umbilical cord with the land. Instead, they transmit warnings to buoys on the surface, and these, in turn, relay the information to NOAA via satellite. Besides allowing the detectors to be deployed almost anywhere, this system is cheaper than using cables. Each detector costs about $200,000 to set up. The Japanese versions cost more than $5m each. According to Frank Gonzalez, who heads NOAA's tsunami research programme, five tsunameters have been deployed in the North Pacific and one in the South Pacific, with the actual detectors located at depths of up to 4km. A seventh will be set up near Chile in November this year, to intercept tsunamis generated off South America. Although the system has yet to detect a big tsunami (none has occurred since it began operations), it has successfully identified small ones. The Japanese, meanwhile, are trying an alternative approach to the job of cutting the cable. A group of researchers at Tokyo University's Earthquake Research Institute are developing a warning system that relies on global positioning system (GPS) navigation satellites to monitor the motion of buoys moored in the open ocean. By placing GPS antennae on shore and on the buoys, the researchers are able to compare a buoy's “altitude” with that of a stable location on land. According to Teruyuki Kato, the project's leader, this arrangement can measure a buoy's vertical motion with an accuracy of a few centimetres, which will pick up dangerous tsunamis in the open ocean where they are mere ripples on the surface (they rear up into killer waves only when they reach the shallows). Dr Kato's team has already tested the system successfully in the sea off Ofunato, in the east of the country, and a new system will be placed off Muroto promontory, in the west, early next year. Another line of research that holds promise is the analysis of a type of sound wave known as a T-phase wave. Rocks rumbling downhill produce T-phase waves that are carried by the ocean to both nearby and distant coastlines. Emile Okal of Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois has observed that T-phase waves produced by landslides can be heard by hydrophones (underwater microphones) of the sort used to detect submarines. Dr Okal has used this technology to identify tsunamis caused by landslides (ie, the sort most likely to be dangerous, and thus require evacuations to be organised). He has also been able to process seismograms and identify differences between the seismic signals from earthquakes that produce tsunamis directly and those that trigger tsunami-producing landslides. Merely detecting tsunamis, though, is not enough. Tsunamis must be classified to predict the level of danger. One way of doing that is by computer modelling. Models developed by Vasily Titov, at NOAA, and Costas Synolakis, at the University of Southern California, can predict the size and shape of the waves that will be generated by a particular tsunami, as well as the resulting coastal inundation. Knowing how far inland a tsunami will penetrate should help the authorities to evacuate the right areas. Technology, though, can do only so much. The best protection, according to Dr Synolakis, is common sense. Coastal dwellers must be able to recognise the signs of a possible tsunami—such as strong, prolonged ground shaking—and seek higher ground at once. As with any hazard, the more informed the public are, the better their chances of survival. For instance, after the Papua New Guinea tsunami, an international team was dispatched to Vanuatu, a group of islands in the Pacific, where they showed videos of tsunamis to the villagers. When a tsunami struck Vanuatu in 1999, only five people died in it. The message is clear enough. There is no way to stop a tsunami once set in motion, but there is certainly a way to avoid getting killed by one. Run like hell. On January 7th I posted an item about the
Tsunameter,
praising it as a candidate for most
elegantly-named technology of 2005.
I wondered aloud about the process by which this name was
chosen. This afternoon I received a message from an interested
observer who shares my high opinion of this uniquely-named instrument.
One advantage to wondering aloud about such things in this medium is that it might be noticed by someone connected to the source. From what I understand, the word's first known use was in The Economist, its official print birth date, August 2003. It is, in fact, a brand-new word. More details as they develop. In the meantime, here's a link to the full article in The Economist A brief excerpt: America's National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) hopes to do just that. Its “tsunameters”, as they are dubbed by Eddie Bernard, the director of the agency's Pacific Marine Environmental Laboratory, have cut the umbilical cord with the land. Instead, they transmit warnings to buoys on the surface, and these, in turn, relay the information to NOAA via satellite. Besides allowing the detectors to be deployed almost anywhere, this system is cheaper than using cables. Each detector costs about $200,000 to set up. The Japanese versions cost more than $5m each. Posted at 05:07 PM Sat - January 1, 2005Sun - November 21, 2004Space-flight pioneer predicts 3,000 "astronauts" in 5 yearsSpace-flight pioneer predicts 3,000
"astronauts" in 5 years
By Michael Martinez Chicago Tribune LOS ANGELES — Burt Rutan, a maverick aviator with Elvis-like sideburns, spread his futuristic vision last week of space travel no longer dominated by the government but by daring engineers such as himself. Seeking to inspire students, faculty and visitors at the University of California, Los Angeles, Rutan on Friday offered a new vision for 21st-century commercial travel — including "spacelines" instead of airlines and resort hotels in orbit — taking average citizens where only handfuls of astronauts have tread thus far. Rutan called for a new era in aviation, saying risk-taking adventurers like the Wright Brothers are needed again to make space tourism a reality. "We haven't had a proper, aggressive space program in this country since 1970," said Rutan, weeks after he and his team made history by flying the first private craft to outer space and back. Trying to devise spacecraft for tourism will mean trial-and-error, including crashes of test vehicles, Rutan acknowledged. "Yeah, there will be smoking holes, but the airplane was made through natural selection," he told about 250 people. "That needs to happen in order to discover the breakthroughs that are out there." For skeptics who wonder how Rutan's SpaceShipOne entering lower orbits last month translates to lucrative tourism, he noted that the world's earliest aircraft builders never imagined commercial airlines, either. For that vision to materialize, however, a new generation of "superheroes" will be needed from today's students and children, to be inspired the way Howard Hughes and Charles Lindbergh were as children during the aviation's infancy in the early 1900s, Rutan said. The payoff would be a breathtaking view of Earth, he said, showing slides and videos of how his prototype reached the black void of space this year. With funding from Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen, Rutan and his Scaled Composites firm developed the spaceship and a launching aircraft that in October secured the Ansari X-Prize. It was a $10 million reward for flying the first private manned spacecraft to an altitude exceeding 328,000 feet twice within a 14-day period. Perhaps the most provocative slide in Rutan's presentation was a chart forecasting the first commercial space travel in three to four years. About 3,000 tourists would become "astronauts" in five years, and within 15 years, suborbital flights will become so affordable that 50,000 passengers will have entered space. And, yes, resort hotels in orbit high above Earth would open their doors in 15 years and would become affordable for thousands of guests 25 years from now, Rutan said. By 2050, he predicted, spacelines would become so common that passengers "will be bored looking out of a suborbital space flight as we do on an airliner," he said. British businessman Richard Branson has signed a deal with Rutan to begin a spaceline called Virgin Galactic, which would charge $230,000 a person to take a three-hour flight and experience three to four minutes of weightlessness, with a view of the world's curvature.  LOS ANGELES — Burt Rutan, a maverick aviator
with Elvis-like sideburns, spread his futuristic vision last week of space
travel no longer dominated by the government but by daring engineers such as
himself.
 Seeking to inspire students, faculty and visitors at the University of California, Los Angeles, Rutan on Friday offered a new vision for 21st-century commercial travel — including "spacelines" instead of airlines and resort hotels in orbit — taking average citizens where only handfuls of astronauts have tread thus far. Rutan called for a new era in aviation, saying risk-taking adventurers like the Wright Brothers are needed again to make space tourism a reality. "We haven't had a proper, aggressive space program in this country since 1970," said Rutan, weeks after he and his team made history by flying the first private craft to outer space and back... Posted at 11:33 AM Thu - November 18, 2004More Texas trivia...From Andrew Sullivan's Daily
Dish:
BACKLASH WATCH: In East Texas, an old homecoming tradition of "TWIRP Day," where girls dress like boys and vice-versa, will occur no more. One "religious" parent had a cow and launched a campaign to stamp it out. "It is outrageous that a school in a small town in east Texas would encourage their 4-year-olds to be cross-dressers," Liberty Legal Institute attorney Hiram Sasser said. What a loser... They didn't have this when I lived in East Texas. Did I miss school that day? Posted at 08:23 AM Wed - November 17, 2004No, Canada!No,
Canada!
You don't want to go there By Alex Beam, Globe Staff | November 6, 2004 You have probably heard the idle chatter: ''I'm thinking of moving to Canada." You may have received the JPEG Sent 'Round the World, labeling the northern part of North America -- the right-thinking part, as liberals would have it -- as the United States of Canada, and the pro-Bush leaning ''red" US states as Jesusland. It sounds so alluring. Good beer. Cheap Viagra. Hardly any crime. Friendly, if somewhat ineffectual, people. Terrific, if underappreciated, novelists. (This means you, Rohinton Mistry.) Secure borders, courtesy of the US Department of Defense. But before you pack, consider this: There are plenty of reasons not to move to Canada. Let me count the ways. 1. They don't really want you. Canada is full of losers like you. If you're really rich, or a brain surgeon, maybe. But if you are, say, a newspaper reporter, be prepared to wait at least a year just to live there legally, and several more years to become a citizen. If you have some special qualifications, like a PhD, plus a lot of work experience, and if you are under 50, you have a better chance of crashing the gates of Snow Mexico. Or if you're loaded. That's right. If you have a net worth of $800,000 Canadian or more, and are willing to invest $400,000 of it in Canada, come on in! And you thought George Bush's America was a plutocracy. . . . Think again. 2. Speaking of brain surgery -- have you tried Buffalo? Here is what John Kerry didn't tell you: The problem with free, single-payer health care is that you get what you pay for. Even the Canadians acknowledge that their health system is in crisis. (Sound familiar?) They speak about the inequities of their two-tiered system, where publicly funded patients wait weeks, if not months, to consult specialists or have routine surgery, while private patients get quick service. In fact, it's a three-tiered system. The very well-to-do travel to the United States for some procedures. We refer you to a recent editorial in The Windsor (Ontario) Star: ''A growing number of sick and tired Canadians are beginning to look to the US for ideas on how to improve our failing health-care system. But Kerry, inexplicably, is looking north for health care ideas." 3. Parlez-vous francais? Somehow I doubt it. And yet if you want to work for the Canadian government -- the country's largest employer -- chances are that you have to be bilingual. And the private sector is following suit. C'est dur, eh? 4. How do you like your free speech -- well chilled? Canada has no First Amendment and adheres to primitive British-style libel laws. Here is a hilarious definition of defamation la Canadienne, from the Media Libel website: ''A defamatory statement exists if the publication tends to lower the plaintiff's reputation in the estimation of those who are commonly referred to as 'right thinking' members of society." Allow me to reiterate my widely known position: Celine Dion is the greatest singer who ever lived. Just this year, the Canadian Parliament passed what the religious right has branded a ''Chill Bill," or ''The Bible as Hate Speech Bill," effectively preventing churches from using the Bible to preach against homosexuality. ''With the passage of Bill C-250, Canada has now embarked upon a course of criminalization of dissent," according to a statement released this spring by the Catholic Civil Rights League. Fine, you say. Enough gay-bashing by Bible-waving Christian loonies. But remember John Ashcroft's motto: Your rights are next. 5. It's the black hole of sports fandom. You would seriously consider leaving the home of North America's greatest baseball team -- ever -- and of North America's greatest football team, for . . . what? Canadian football is played on a field that's too long (that's why each team has 12 players), and there are only three downs. Huh? Fifty percent of Canada's Major League Baseball infrastructure -- les Montral Exposjust decamped for Washington, D.C., because of audience indifference. Canada's one great sports treasure, professional hockey, isn't being played this year. You hadn't noticed? And you can't even name its national sport, can you? What if that question is on the citizenship application? 6. Have you heard the joke about the Canadian dollar? Not lately. Without putting too fine a point on this, Canadian currency has been laying a Euro-style smackdown on the US greenback. What this means to you: less purchasing power. Wait, there's more. You think you're living in a high-tax state right now? Hahahahahaha. 7. The biggest argument against immigrating to Canada is: You're going in the wrong direction! With all due respect to our northern neighbors, anyone who is anyone bolted years ago. Peter Jennings, Mike Myers, Joni Mitchell, Jim Carrey, Frank Gehry (would they take him back?) -- the list goes on and on. Have talent, will travel -- southward. You might want to ask yourself why. So please, think twice. They don't want you, and we would prefer that you stay. If the new administration is a problem, just don't turn on your television for the next four years. Alex Beam is a Globe columnist. His e-dress is beam@globe.com You don't want to go
there
...before you pack, consider this: There are plenty of reasons not to move to Canada. Let me count the ways... Humor by Alex Beam of the Boston Globe. See the whole list in Read More... Posted at 04:45 AM Sun - November 7, 2004Fri - October 29, 20042004's Scariest Halloween CostumesYou won't want to miss this one. Today's #1 Blogdex item.
First-rate humor from our local Seattle
Stranger
2004's Scariest Halloween Costumes Posted at 06:48 AM Tue - October 19, 2004John Stewart's Commencement AddressCommencement
Address
 Thank you Mr. President, I had forgotten how crushingly dull these ceremonies are. Thank you. My best to the choir. I have to say, that song never grows old for me. Whenever I hear that song, it reminds me of nothing. I am honored to be here, I do have a confession to make before we get going that I should explain very quickly. When I am not on television, this is actually how I dress. I apologize, but there’s something very freeing about it. I congratulate the students for being able to walk even a half a mile in this non-breathable fabric in the Williamsburg heat. I am sure the environment that now exists under your robes, are the same conditions that primordial life began on this earth. I know there were some parents that were concerned about my speech here tonight, and I want to assure you that you will not hear any language that is not common at, say, a dock workers union meeting, or Tourrett’s convention, or profanity seminar. Rest assured. I am honored to be here and to receive this honorary doctorate. When I think back to the people that have been in this position before me from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan, I can’t help but wonder what has happened to this place. Seriously, it saddens me. As a person, I am honored to get it; as an alumnus, I have to say I believe we can do better. And I believe we should. But it has always been a dream of mine to receive a doctorate and to know that today, without putting in any effort, I will. It’s incredibly gratifying. Thank you. That’s very nice of you, I appreciate it. I’m sure my fellow doctoral graduates—who have spent so long toiling in academia, sinking into debt, sacrificing God knows how many years of what, in truth, is a piece of parchment that in truth has been so devalued by our instant gratification culture as to have been rendered meaningless—will join in congratulating me. Thank you. But today isn’t about how my presence here devalues this fine institution. It is about you, the graduates. I’m honored to be here to congratulate you today. Today is the day you enter into the real world, and I should give you a few pointers on what it is. It’s actually not that different from the environment here. The biggest difference is you will now be paying for things, and the real world is not surrounded by three-foot brick wall. And the real world is not a restoration. If you see people in the real world making bricks out of straw and water, those people are not colonial re-enactors—they are poor. Help them. And in the real world, there is not as much candle lighting. I don’t really know what it is about this campus and candle lighting, but I wish it would stop. We only have so much wax, people. Lets talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it earlier, and I…I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We broke it. Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry. I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize. But here’s the good news. You fix this thing, you’re the next greatest generation, people. You do this—and I believe you can—you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw’s kissing your ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don’t, you’re not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don’t give the thumbs up you’ve outdid us. We declared war on terror. We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I’m sure we’ll take on that bastard ennui. But obviously that’s the world. What about your lives? What piece of wisdom can I impart to you about my journey that will somehow ease your transition from college back to your parents' basement? I know some of you are nostalgic today and filled with excitement and perhaps uncertainty at what the future holds. I know six of you are trying to figure out how to make a bong out of your caps. I believe you are members of Psi U. Hey that did work, thank you for the reference. So I thought I’d talk a little bit about my experience here at William and Mary. It was very long ago, and if you had been to William and Mary while I was here and found out that I would be the commencement speaker 20 years later, you would be somewhat surprised, and probably somewhat angry. I came to William and Mary because as a Jewish person I wanted to explore the rich tapestry of Judaica that is Southern Virginia. Imagine my surprise when I realized “The Tribe” was not what I thought it meant. In 1980 I was 17 years old. When I moved to Williamsburg, my hall was in the basement of Yates, which combined the cheerfulness of a bomb shelter with the prison-like comfort of the group shower. As a freshman I was quite a catch. Less than five feet tall, yet my head is the same size it is now. Didn’t even really look like a head, it looked more like a container for a head. I looked like a Peanuts character. Peanuts characters had terrible acne. But what I lacked in looks I made up for with a repugnant personality. In 1981 I lost my virginity, only to gain it back again on appeal in 1983. You could say that my one saving grace was academics where I excelled, but I did not. And yet now I live in the rarified air of celebrity, of mega stardom. My life a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabala center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that’s what my handlers tell me. I’m actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh. So I know that the decisions that I made after college worked out. But at the time I didn’t know that they would. See college is not necessarily predictive of your future success. And it’s the kind of thing where the path that I chose obviously wouldn’t work for you. For one, you’re not very funny. So how do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? And the honest answer is this. You won’t. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience. I was not exceptional here, and am not now. I was mediocre here. And I’m not saying aim low. Not everybody can wander around in an alcoholic haze and then at 40 just, you know, decide to be president. You’ve got to really work hard to try to…I was actually referring to my father. When I left William and Mary I was shell-shocked. Because when you’re in college it’s very clear what you have to do to succeed. And I imagine here everybody knows exactly the number of credits they needed to graduate, where they had to buckle down, which introductory psychology class would pad out the schedule. You knew what you had to do to get to this college and to graduate from it. But the unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. The paths are infinite and the results uncertain. And it can be maddening to those that go here, especially here, because your strength has always been achievement. So if there’s any real advice I can give you it’s this. College is something you complete. Life is something you experience. So don’t worry about your grade, or the results or success. Success is defined in myriad ways, and you will find it, and people will no longer be grading you, but it will come from your own internal sense of decency which I imagine, after going through the program here, is quite strong…although I’m sure downloading illegal files…but, nah, that’s a different story. Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may. And the last thing I want to address is the idea that somehow this new generation is not as prepared for the sacrifice and the tenacity that will be needed in the difficult times ahead. I have not found this generation to be cynical or apathetic or selfish. They are as strong and as decent as any people that I have met. And I will say this, on my way down here I stopped at Bethesda Naval, and when you talk to the young kids that are there that have just been back from Iraq and Afghanistan, you don’t have the worry about the future that you hear from so many that are not a part of this generation but judging it from above. And the other thing….that I will say is, when I spoke earlier about the world being broke, I was somewhat being facetious, because every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant. I was in New York on 9-11 when the towers came down. I lived 14 blocks from the twin towers. And when they came down, I thought that the world had ended. And I remember walking around in a daze for weeks. And Mayor Giuliani had said to the city, “You’ve got to get back to normal. We’ve got to show that things can change and get back to what they were.” And one day I was coming out of my building, and on my stoop, was a man who was crouched over, and he appeared to be in deep thought. And as I got closer to him I realized, he was playing with himself. And that’s when I thought, “You know what, we’re gonna be OK.” Thank you. Congratulations. I honor you. Good Night. John Stewart's commencement address, sent to me by a television
reporter in El Paso. Very
funny stuff.
"...Lets talk about the real world for a moment. We had been discussing it earlier, and I…I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world, and this is I guess as good a time as any. I don’t really know to put this, so I’ll be blunt. We broke it. Please don’t be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry. I don’t know if you’ve been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize..." Read the whole thing ... Posted at 09:16 AM |
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Total entries in this category: Published On: Nov 21, 2005 08:38 AM |
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